|A few days before I knew my life would change forever.|
|One of the only family shots we have.|
|My son's handprint|
|My son's foot prints|
|My daughter's footprints|
|My daughter's handprint|
Life after a loss is a blur. You go through the motions and put a smile on your face just so your loved ones around you will stop asking "is there anything I can do?" with pity in their eyes. You know they mean well and truly hurt for you but you don't need the constant reminder of the gaping hole in your heart. Eventually the daily pain of living lessens until you adapt and create a new dream. For me I went to school a week after I gave birth to the twins. I was so thankful for the compassionate professors at my university that helped me pass with As and Bs and not drop out of school. The next semester I really excelled in school but that desire to have a baby (that I could bring home from the hospital) never dimmed. After that semester was over I discovered I was pregnant and couldn't be more excited and terrified at the same time. I had lots of anxiety because I had the same due date as the twins. It felt like de ja vu and I couldn't help shake the feeling that the same nightmare was in my future. At 12 weeks of the pregnancy I got a minor surgery done that placed a cerclage in my cervix and was on pretty strict bed rest. Seeing all these high risk doctors and strict bed rest made me have even more panic and anxiety, just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
During my pregnancy I saw the documentary The Business of Being Born (streaming on Netflix) and desired to have as much of a natural childbirth as I was allowed. Then I came across the Bradley Method book. Chris would read it to me every night and we both fell in love with it and decided to take the 12 week course together. It was so great for the both of us to realize that we had the control over how things went and my instructor engraved the phrase "Your body. Your baby. Your birth." into my brain. Just a few weeks before I delivered I hired my teacher to be my doula, switched from my double billing perinatologist to a midwife and never looked back. I think I'll type my birth story in a later post but delivering a healthy baby girl really empowered me in a way I can't even begin to describe. She saved me from my depressed self and reminds me daily of my potential to be a better person.
Currently I am enjoying my time at home this summer to be a mommy, blog, craft, and do whatever I want. When the fall semester starts I will be going to school for 15 credits instead of the 6 I took right after I gave birth. I also have a part time job that I'm thankful to be able to bring her along with. Well that's my story for now and I look forward to creating some more fun posts in the future. What would you guys like to know. Crafts? Birth story? My choice to start cloth diapering? Whatever you are interested in just let me know and I'll get back to you.