Thursday, May 19, 2011

Getting to Know Me

My name is Kate and even though I'm young, I like to think the life experiences I have had so far help me relate to woman on all levels. I got married young, but that's only because I have one of the most amazing and supportive husbands. So glad I have him in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm also a student about to finish her undergrad. I eventually want to get my license in Marriage and Family Therapy. Shortly into my marriage I discovered I had something called Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). I was so devastated because all I have ever wanted was to have children. While growing up I took a liking to the nursery rhyme about the lady that lived in the shoe. It took about two years but that miraculous BFP (BIG FAT Positive) finally showed up. The next week the ultrasound showed 2 babies! I couldn't believe it! All that waiting and faith testing, and I received twice the blessings. At 19 weeks I had an ultrasound that showed I was having a boy and a girl! I was so happy and that week we put together the cribs, bought some clothes and I started nesting like crazy! It was only one week later when I caught the flu, blew my nose, and started to deliver my son (twin A). We rushed to the hospital and was given no hope. I delivered my babies the next day. The hospital was nasty and the doctors were cold. I was told that I was young and could have other babies. Even though they each weighed 9 oz I witnessed their tiny hearts beat through their chests and their lungs expanding. I know according to the doctors and the government that these were not babies but failed pregnancies. To me this was my son and my daughter and I cherished every second I had with them. 

A few days before I knew my life would change forever.

One of the only family shots we have.

My son's handprint
My son's foot prints

My daughter's footprints
My daughter's handprint

Life after a loss is a blur. You go through the motions and put a smile on your face just so your loved ones around you will stop asking "is there anything I can do?" with pity in their eyes. You know they mean well and truly hurt for you but you don't need the constant reminder of the gaping hole in your heart. Eventually the daily pain of living lessens until you adapt and create a new dream. For me I went to school a week after I gave birth to the twins. I was so thankful for the compassionate professors at my university that helped me pass with As and Bs and not drop out of school.  The next semester I really excelled in school but that desire to have a baby (that I could bring home from the hospital) never dimmed. After that semester was over I discovered I was pregnant and couldn't be more excited and terrified at the same time. I had lots of anxiety because I had the same due date as the twins. It felt like de ja vu and I couldn't help shake the feeling that the same nightmare was in my future. At 12 weeks of the pregnancy I got a minor surgery done that placed a cerclage in my cervix and was on pretty strict bed rest. Seeing all these high risk doctors and strict bed rest made me have even more panic and anxiety, just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

During my pregnancy I saw the documentary The Business of Being Born (streaming on Netflix) and desired to have as much of a natural childbirth as I was allowed. Then I came across the Bradley Method book. Chris would read it to me every night and we both fell in love with it and decided to take the 12 week course together. It was so great for the both of us to realize that we had the control over how things went and my instructor engraved the phrase "Your body. Your baby. Your birth." into my brain. Just a few weeks before I delivered I hired my teacher to be my doula, switched from my double billing perinatologist to a midwife and never looked back. I think I'll type my birth story in a later post but delivering a healthy baby girl really empowered me in a way I can't even begin to describe. She saved me from my depressed self and reminds me daily of my potential to be a better person. 

Currently I am enjoying my time at home this summer to be a mommy, blog, craft, and do whatever I want. When the fall semester starts I will be going to school for 15 credits instead of the 6 I took right after I gave birth. I also have a part time job that I'm thankful to be able to bring her along with. Well that's my story for now and I look forward to creating some more fun posts in the future. What would you guys like to know. Crafts? Birth story? My choice to start cloth diapering? Whatever you are interested in just let me know and I'll get back to you.



  1. I would like to hear about your daughter's birthday. What happened and all the emotions that went along with the events. :) I'd like to know what I have to look forward to (if I can ever get pregnant, lol)

  2. Another Dreamer,

    I assume you are talking about my birth story. Thanks for asking, I wrote half of it down after she was born and never got to the other half so I'll work on that over this next week. I needed someone like you to say something to finally motivate me to finish it. Good luck in your TTC journey, it's a tough one, but there's a lot of support out there.